The Masked Zamboni! reads your horoscopes.

Aries, the Ram: April 19 to May 13
You’ll discover something quite unexpected while digging in your garden later this month.  Who would have thought to find an unexploded and live bomb in your street?  Certainly not anyone living anywhere near you!  Lucky ratio: 1,000,000 to 1.


Taurus, the Bull: May 14 to June 19
As assessments come due and the end of semester approaches, remember to take a break when things start getting stressful this month.  Try to avoid ones that leave you in a full body cast.

Lucky pencil: 2B.

Gemini, the Twins: June 20 to July 20
Pianos and anvils only fall on people from above in cartoons.  What this says about your life and that large chest freezer is up to the news media and social commentators to decide over the coming months.

Lucky clothing: Slip on, slip off sandals.

Cancer, the Crab: July 21 to Aug. 9
While it will feel good to get out of the rain this month, you may never learn how exactly you arrived in the middle of the desert.  Try not to mind the buzzing flies or the flying buzzards.

Lucky animal: A horse with no name.

Leo, the Lion: Aug. 10 to Sept. 15
Even the fact that you have a small, dark and dusty workspace with a very low ceiling won’t belittle your enthusiasm for work this month.  After so many years with no results you’re almost guaranteed a lucky break this time.

Lucky tune: Hi ho, hi ho.


Virgo, the Virgin: Sept. 16 to Oct. 30
You will go on a long journey with a motley collection of strangers.  If do you manage to guess your final destination before you arrive, remember to put on your ‘surprised’ face.

Lucky number: Three score and ten.


Libra, the Scales: Oct. 31 to Nov. 22
Between work, school and home, you may feel like your load is dragging you down a bit over the next few weeks.  Take heart in the knowledge that no one knows how much Ma’at’s feather actually weighs.

Lucky element: Lead.

Scorpius, the Scorpion: Nov. 23 to Nov. 29
Once you were considered tall and mighty, but recent developments have left you feeling a little short and abnormally afraid of snakes.  The upcoming Whacking Day celebration may help lift your spirits.

Lucky construction item: Wooden two-by-fours.

Ophiuchus, the Serpent Bearer: Nov. 30 to Dec. 17
As a member of the newest sign of the zodiac, you often feel left out by the older signs.  You won’t feel that way this month when they all meet up and invite you along to Springfield’s annual Whacking Day celebrations.

Lucky date: May 10.

Sagittarius, the Archer: Dec. 18 to Jan. 18
Second opinions about medical matters is often seen as a good thing.  On the other hand, perhaps you should be alarmed when your GP calls four of their colleagues into the room to look at your test results.

Lucky nursery rhyme: Humpty Dumpty.

Capricornus, the Goat: Jan. 19 to Feb. 15
A great thinker once said “Cogito ergo sum” which really is just a mouthful of gibberish.  Honestly, the bar has been set pretty low, so when you can’t find the right words just make them up.  Everybody else does.  Lucky sounds: Moo, click and titter.


Aquarius, the Water Bearer: Feb. 16 to March 11
While not known for your meticulous living space or exceptional organising skills, losing your friend’s favourite horse and your mother’s chest freezer in the same week won’t go down well with either party.  Lucky location: Melbourne International Airport.

Pisces, the Fish: March 12 to April 18
Many mystical fortune tellers use crystal balls to peer into the spooky future.  This month you’ll discover just how easy it can be use the bottom of a bottle instead.  Lucky song: 99 Bottles of Beer.