Artwork by Matty Potter

Let’s be real guys and gals: most of us spent more time giggling about things in sex ed class than actually listening to the information our teachers were awkwardly trying to pass on to us. By now we have a pretty good handle on the basics: what goes where, what makes this happen and so on. But with the decline in condom usage across the population and a surge in sexually transmitted infections, it might be time for a bit of a sex refresh sesh.

mean-girls

CASUAL SEX = CONDOM

Seriously. I don’t care if you’ve been talking to the guy for a week, or you’ve known the girl your whole life, unless you have an extensive knowledge of their prior sex lives, that they aren’t sleeping with anyone else but you, and that they’ve been tested for sexually transmitted diseases recently, use a condom.

Guys, I know it doesn’t feel the same. But you know what’s worse than losing a little feeling during sex? Finding out you’re responsible for giving someone chlamydia. You know what’s even worse than that? Finding out you have chlamydia.

So, suck it up, and wear a goddamn condom. And girls, if he won’t wear one, don’t sleep with him. Seriously, no matter how much he begs. Because chlamydia. And Aids. Also, babies. Eww. Have you heard how loud those things can scream? Thanks, but no thanks.

Source: webmd.com

THE WITHDRAWAL METHOD = FOOLPROOF

Sure you guys might be ace at controlling when you, ahem, cum (can I say that?), but there’s this little pain in the arse thing called pre-cum that you have no control over. The purpose of this clear, creepy liquid is to purge the urethra of urine, because sperm don’t do too well in acidic environments. It also acts as something of a lubricant. While this stuff shouldn’t have sperm in its mix, sometimes they sneak through. STI’s like gonorrhoea and chlamydia can also infect the bulbourethral gland which produces this substance. So if you just so happen to be infected and have unprotected sex with someone, pulling out isn’t going to protect them from the diseases that you may or may not be aware you have. Keep this in mind next time you consider using this method.

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YOU CAN GET AN STI FROM ORAL SEX

Have you ever seen a cola or a strawberry flavoured condom and been confused as to why anyone would bother with a condom when it comes to oral sex? Well, now you have the answer to that question. Though it might seem crazy, almost every STI and STD you can possibly think of can be transferred via oral sex. So if you’ve got a bout of chlamydia, herpes, gonorrhoea or, my personal favourite, ‘ye olde syphilis’, don’t assume that you’re safe to go the oral option. If you’re infected and you absolutely have to have yourself some oral loving, wrap it up in some cola flavoured goodness. Flavoured condoms may taste pretty shite, but imagine the bad taste learning you have syphilis leaves in your mouth. I know what I’d prefer.